I met Hands on an online dating site that was popular with my friends. It was during an “off” period in mine and the ex’s relationship and for some reason (my girlfriends suggestion), I thought the thing to do was start dating again. Hands was a few years older than I, had emigrated from England and was new to the city. He was trained in IT and even though not gainfully employed in Canada, made money doing odd tech jobs on the side. In his pictures he appeared to be of average height and weight, with brown wavy hair and brown eyes. He wanted to find someone to explore the city with and having moved here myself several years ago, there is still much that I haven’t seen. We began corresponding and talking on the phone and it seemed like we were hitting it off. I relaxed in my thoughts that he might be a serial killer and agreed to meet him for coffee one night after work.
When I arrived at Tim Horton’s (how Canadian of me), Hands was nowhere to be seen. I guessed he was likely having trouble with traffic and decided to grab a tea and relax while I waited. After about fifteen minutes a young man came through the doors and recognized me right away. I wish I could say the same but unfortunately he did not look much like his pictures at all. This man was of average height but had put on 50-60lbs and shaved his head since he’d taken the photos on his profile. In addition, he was wearing a grey sweat suit (the type you’d see a man wearing after playing some pickup basketball). I’m not a judgemental person but I was put off by the fact he’d misrepresented himself. Still, figuring we’d connected in conversation I was willing to give him the same chance I would have had he looked like his photos. He grabbed a coffee and came and sat with me.
Right away things got weird, Hands reached across the table and grabbed my hand in his. I initially tried to pull back, but the man was quick and I was caught!!! He began rubbing my hand in between his and commented how sweet and small it was and that you can tell a lot about a woman by their hands. I was afraid to ask what it was that he could tell, so I sat there in Tim Horton’s while a strange man careesed me like we were old lovers. To kick the awkwardness of the moment up a notch, Hands reached across the table with his other hand, looked deep into my eyes, and ran his fingers across my cheek. In a near panic, I looked around to find a way to escape but alas there was none. At this point, I was about 90% sure he was a serial killer and that I was about to be stuffed in his trunk and eventually dismembered (no one can accuse me of being melodramatic). He clearly had this planned as he launched into his life story which did nothing to ease my mind. He told me that he moved to Canada to get away from his family (red flag!), because he hates his twin sister (second red flag!!). He didn’t tell anyone he was moving (running from the law? RED FLAG) and that he now lives for free in the basement of some people he met randomly in a mall in return for doing odd jobs (RED FLAG!!). The family didn’t like him to have guests over so if we were going to continue dating (uhhh no!) he’d have to hang out at my place (with my dismembered parts?). I managed to squeak out a request to use the washroom (last words?) at which point I CRAZY texted my Mom to come get me IMMEDIATELY (no need to freak her out, right?). I went back out to the table careful not to put my hands within his reach. Hands decided it was time to delve into his deeper side. “So, I just want to clear the air about this, in case our relationship leads to something sexual. I don’t usually tell people this when I first meet them…” (hint to mankind: anything that needs a precursor like that should not be said on a first date) “but I only have one testicle, and I’m a virgin”. He told me all that (and in one sentence), without me giving him even one sign that I was interested in him at all. At this point, I really hadn’t said much and the entire date had only lasted about 20 minutes.
I hadn’t decided whether Hands was going to have me taxidermied but I still wasn’t sorry when my Mom showed up to get me. I’d only been on one date in my adult life, and I was already ready to call it quits if this was what I had to look forward to.
